Today's joke

Joke for 18/09/17

Two little school chums were strolling home when the little boy decided to go behind a tree for a pee. His little girlfriend was curious and went for a peep. Seeing her looking the boy boasted "You aint got one of these, have yer".

"No" said the little girl "but my Mom says that with what I got, I can have as many of those as I like".

"In any case" she added, "my Dads got two of them - a little one like yours and also a great big one he uses to clean my aunties teeth with".

Good one

:;smile:

19/09/17

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with warts all over his face, three strands of hair on his head and ears a spaniel would envy - a particularly unattractive man less than four foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes,man never mind that!.... Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go screw himself!!"

Excellent one.

21/09/17

DEMOCRACY AND RACISM EXPLAINED.

An illegal Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother, "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?"

"Well, son, Democracy is when British tax payers work hard every day so we illegal immigrants can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than British pensioners get, & on & on, you know, that's Democracy".

"But mama, don't the British tax payers get pissed off about that?"

"Sure they do, that's called Racism!"

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must chase chicks, drink pee and listen to bull shit.'

Where did you dig that up from?

JeanieJ wrote:

Where did you dig that up from?

As if you didn't know 

Admin wrote:

19/09/17

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with warts all over his face, three strands of hair on his head and ears a spaniel would envy - a particularly unattractive man less than four foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes,man never mind that!.... Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go screw himself!!"

no cross posting please first posted on 15th sept  by davo under this thread!! come on Malcolm check the site!

I thought I'd seen that before- couldn't remember where.
Hey who'se this admin bloke? Did he assassinate AlanHo?

dunno but alan went on his hols and just hasn't been replaced - looks like admin is trying to queer his patch!!

davo wrote:

no cross posting please first posted on 15th sept  by davo under this thread!! come on Malcolm check the site!

Sorry mate !

He's run off to IDF 50 lifeboat.

Ciderman wrote:

He's run off to IDF 50 lifeboat.

I'm a member of IDF and can't say as I have seen him on there Ciderman.