Terrorism Worldwide

John Cleese, offers his take on Terrorism Threats:

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated," or even "A Bit Cross."

 

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since "The Blitz" in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. They had a rare fit of ire and sank it.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled."

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

but he only ran a hotel in Devon didn't he??

Torquay actually but not the one I was night porter at for 3 months in 1965!

Ciderman

A trip down memory lane

http://www.corbynhead.com/pages-of-interest/a-history-of-corbyn/

For Corbynhead read Phyllis (or Dickhead in UK political terms)

My wife and I popped in when we were in the UK in 2009 and I explained to the affable manager that in 1965 I nearly burned the place down!  The chef had left all his wooden spatulas on top of the toaster unbeknown to me and one of my early morning jobs was to start the gas toaster. A magnificent machine that could toast about 30 slices at once but it needed an hour or so to heat up. I was awoken by the milkman banging on the front door shouting "YOUR KITCHEN'S ON FIRE", as I snoozed in the foyer. I sprinted into the kitchen , grabbed the fire blanket and managed to extinguish the fire . I then had to open all the windows to get rid of the smoke. Half an hour later the first staff arrived. "What's that funny smell?"    "I dunno! Must be some with a bonfire.

What a great story - you visited an old flame then.

Well said, Alan ! 

There must have been a lasting glowing ember for you to go back there.

GROAN.

Fairy nuff