Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC... OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.
THE
EVENTS In previous Olympics Liverpool competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes: 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc. HAMMER The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
WEIGHTLIFTING From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mates van. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.
SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitors ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of I thought he was a Bizzy or He pulled a knife on me.
BOXING Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummys Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
TIME TRIAL The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
MENS 50Km WALK Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool? A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
RELAY Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.
ARCHERY Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
DISCUS Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.
PILLOW EATING The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
GRAFFITI To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbours wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.
BASEBALL Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.
CLOSING CEREMONY In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p to look after their motor. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge.
The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pi##ing on it. The closing speech will consist of the words
"Everyone in Liverpool is a natural comedian you know . No-one will laugh".
Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.
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