My Life History

I was so naive as a kid, I used to sneak behind the bicycle sheds with Mary and do nothing.
 
My family were so poor – we had to have ordinary K for breakfast
 
I was born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
 
I asked my parents if I was a gifted child... they said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
 
When I was a kid the Sunday school teacher asked me if we said our prayers before eating. I told her we didn’t need to – my mom was a good cook.
 
When I was a kid, my mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it
 
I was so clumsy as a child that every morning was the dawn of a new error...
 
I was diagnosed with kleptomania, whenever it got bad, I took something for it
 
My parents were very considerate – they bought me a cigarette lighter for my 8^th birthday to light my cigarettes because matches are too dangerous for one so young.
 
When a teenager, I found out that females are explosive the first time I dropped one.
 
Later in life, I realised that If you pretend to do a fair day’s work – don’t complain if they pretend to give you a fair wage.
 
I used to be a dyslexic agnostic insomniac and would be up all night wondering if there is a dog.
 
I once made the mistake of taking a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
I used to think that a perfect wife would be a rich mute nymphomaniac who owns a pub.
 
As a kid I never understood logic and failed to see why I had to go to bed when it was my parents who were tired
 
I once went on a 28 day diet - but managed to complete it in only 3 days.
 
I don’t give a damn about my flabby thighs – my stomach covers them
 
My first marriage taught me that marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached
 
Life taught me that sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time yet causes the most amount of trouble.
 
A man stole my first wife – but I got my sadistic revenge – I let him keep her.
 
I first realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
 
Old age teaches you to always keep tubes of Haemorrhoid Ointment and Deep Heat Linament Rub well separated in your bathroom cabinet.
 
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.  I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.