andsome
V.I.P Member
Posts : 4525
Join date : 2014-09-24
Location : Burntwood in Staffordshie, ENGLAND
 | | Subject: How do court stenogtaphers keep a straight face? Thu Feb 23, 2017 11:58 am | |
| How do court stenographers keep a straight face?These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are thingspeople actually said in court, word for word, taken down and publishedby court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while theexchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!______________________________ _ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.______________________________ ______ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.______________________________ ______ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year.______________________________ _______ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years.______________________________ ___ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?______________________________ _______________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_____________________________ _ ___________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.______________________________ _______ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to adeposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________ ________ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.______________________________ _________ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?WITNESS: Oral.__ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.______________________________ ___________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________ ________ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when youbegan the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? - Quote :
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WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law ----------------------------------------- Gustav Mahler is the finest composer who ever lived.  |
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Irene
Member
Posts : 584
Join date : 2016-12-20
Age : 78
Location : Stafford, UK
| | Subject: Re: How do court stenogtaphers keep a straight face? Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:15 pm | |
|  Some really good ones there, andsome. ----------------------------------------- ..
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