This is today’s science lesson. Please be prepared to answer questions on the paper at your Sunday night class.
DUBLIN UNIVERSITY PROVES EXISTENCE OF DARK SUCKERS
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bahrain University has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bahrain University spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark and pass it through wires to earth. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a football stadium have a much greater capacity than the ones in a room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. A second primitive dark sucker is an oil lamp. Again the wick turns black due to the concentration of dark but these are more powerful than candles and some of the dark sticks to the glass of the oil lamp as it is sucked into the wick and needs to be cleaned off from time to time to prevent it from stopping more dark from being sucked onto the wick. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable electric dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage battery. When the dark storage battery is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter dark floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilised to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The American Indians first recognised this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark hurtle past you into the room under the suction of the illuminating source.
In conclusion, Dublin University stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
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