AlanHo
V.I.P Member
Posts : 8798
Join date : 2016-10-16
Age : 87
Location : Marston Green, Solihull
 | | Subject: What Have You Done Today Sat Jan 14, 2017 3:29 am | |
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I flopped into the settee alongside my wife, telling her that I'm totally exhausted. She lowered her newspaper, peered over her reading glasses and with a definite hint of a sarcastic sneer in her voice asked "why - what have YOU done today?"
I was stung by the implication that I had done nothing all day - surely she must have noticed that I had been on the go almost non-stop since breakfast. I found myself feeling rather indignant and was about to embark on a list of my achievements when I realized that at that moment - I was having difficulty recalling any. I must have been so worn out with exertion that even my brain was too tired to function.
She filled my silence with a snort of derision and dived back into her newspaper - leaving me determined to make the huge effort of going back in time and recalling all the things I had done in the day.
Have you ever tried to remember everything you have done today? - it's not as easy as you might think.
I knew that I started the day by putting on some old clothes suitable for my first task - to tidy up the garden shed and the garage. By old clothes - I mean clothes much older and scruffier than I normally wear to lounge around the house. Keeping the garage tidy is much like the chore of painting the Forth Bridge - by the time I work my way from the front to the back - it's time to start all over again. I used to be able to park my car in the garage - but the floor is now always littered with bags of unwanted stuff my wife intends to take to the charity shop. It seems daft that we are happy to park the car (which is the second most expensive thing we buy) out on the drive and fill its rightful place - the garage - with junk.
Peeping out of one of the bags I spotted some old jeans that I've not worn for quite a few years because I am waiting for bell bottoms to come back in fashion. I carefully rescued them and crept upstairs to put them back in my wardrobe.
I noticed that the bottom of the wardrobe was less than tidy - there was a mound of shoes from amongst which protruded an old camera tripod made redundant when I bought a modern point and shoot digital camera to replace my old weighty SLR. The new camera would look preposterous balanced on such a device. I tidied up the shoes and carried the tripod downstairs with the intention of storing it in the shed to join all the other redundant stuff I will find useful some day.
Upon opening the shed - the first time for many months - I was presented with a mass of cob webs everywhere. So I walked back to the house to get a broom to clear up the mess. Just as I reached the house I heard the doorbell ringing and I went through the garage to see who it was. It was a courier delivering a parcel which turned out to be a small flat pack bookcase my wife had ordered.
I decided to assemble the thing (before being asked). Getting the parcel open was a major task - it was thick tri-wall cardboard fastened with staples of mammoth proportions. I used most of the tools at my disposal to get into the damned thing - cutting a finger in the process.
I now trudged up to the bathroom and searched in vain for a plaster of suitable size in the medicine cabinet - the nearest I got was a large heel dressing. I then headed off to the kitchen to find some scissors to cut the plaster down to size. I then noticed the broom leaning against the wall which reminded me that I was going to put the tripod in the shed - so I retraced my steps with broom in hand and attacked the cob webs to clear a path into the shed. I had to move the motor mower in order to find a space for the tripod which caused me to ask myself whether it would start OK after lying dormant for several weeks in all that cold weather.
So - and this will come as no surprise - I dragged the mower out of the shed and set about starting it. After considerable aerobic exercise pulling on the starter cord I determined that it needed fuel - so I returned to the garage to find the petrol can. However, the garage was in such a mess that it took me ages to find the can - which was empty. Not one to give in to misfortune - I put the can in the car and set off to the petrol station to get it filled. By now it was nearly lunch time and my exertions had kicked up a thirst - so on the way home I popped into the pub for a swift shandy. Lo and behold - I saw one of my old mates propping up the bar and we had a pint or three whilst solving the World's problems. Not one for drinking and driving, I decided to leave the car at the pub and walk home - after all it was less than 2 miles.
I had left the garage door open and staring at me was a pile of flat pack components and a bag of nuts, bolts, miscellaneous fittings and an instruction leaflet.
Oops - must give priority to this job but I needed my glasses to read the leaflet. So now - off into the house to find my reading glasses. This took quite some time - it is hard to find things when you need glasses to see properly, but I eventually succeeded without noticing the havoc left in my wake. Upon returning to the garage, I found that the instruction leaflet was in 7 languages - none of them English - but there was a diagram which any self respecting ex-senior engineer could follow. The first hurdle was that the required allen key was missing from the bag of supplied bits and pieces. However - this should not be too big a problem because we had ones left over from previous flat pack purchases - but where did I put them. They are bound to be in the garage - but where. Had I have tidied up the garage by now - the task would have been easy.
This seemed to be a suitable time for a cup of coffee so I set off for the kitchen. On the way through the hall I noticed that the mail was lying there awaiting attention. Amongst the window envelopes addressed to me was my car tax reminder due 1st Feb - so I decided to go up to the study, fire up the computer and renew the tax over the internet before I lost the reminder and forgot all about it. I got onto the DVLA site and got part way through the task when it told me that I don't have any car insurance. But I do - my insurance expired on the 25th of Dec and I had taken out a new policy with a new insurer - they have obviously not yet notified the DVLA that I do have insurance in place on July 1st. So I telephoned the new insurer. It took at least 5 minutes of listening to a recorded voice telling me to press 1 for this, 4 for that and 9 for whatever before I got to speak to a human being. You guessed it - I got Mumjab in Mumbai whose English may have been excellent if only I could tell what he was saying. I eventually realised that the insurers did not notify the DVLA until the day the insurance starts and it takes the DVLA about 10 days to get it on their data base. Hence a visit to the local main post office with papers in hand was needed. However - there was a snag - I had had a few beers and my car was a couple of miles away - so this was a job for another day.
Glancing out of the study window I saw a rather forlorn lawn mower sitting in the middle of the lawn which reminded me that I had planned to give it a test run. The day so far had not been too successful so I was determined not to let this beat me. There was plenty of petrol in my wife's car - all I needed to do was to siphon enough off to get the mower going. This started a new search - where do you find some plastic pipe in the average household. At this point I had confirmation that my memory was in fine fettle - up in the loft (attic) was my old beer and wine brewing kit with more than enough nylon pipe to do the job.
We keep all sorts of things up in the loft - including the Christmas tree, decorations, outside lights, assorted bric-a-brac etc. It is my habit when putting things up in the loft in a hurry, to open the hatch and throw the stuff up there rather than pull down the loft ladder and climb up - intending to return to the scene of the crime when time permits. You've guessed correctly - I opened the loft hatch, pulled down the loft ladder and climbed up in the quest for my nylon tubing - to be met by a huge heap of Christmas stuff blocking my way. After some considerable time stowing the Christmas stuff "fairly" neatly, I was able to clamber around the loft looking for my tubing. It's amazing what you find in a loft - all sorts of stuff you have put so safe you had forgotten its very existence. I had a fascinating trip down memory lane and emerged from the loft a much wiser, dirtier and more tired man - but with my prized nylon tube in hand.
Now for phase two of the petrol project - I had a source - my wife's car - and the necessary tubing. But what do I siphon the petrol into now my only petrol can is two miles away. I have a trawl through the garage and kitchen and eventually find a 3 litre plastic bottle containing a small amount of sunflower seed cooking oil. I pour this oil away (don't ask) and cross my fingers that the small residue will be OK in the petrol. So I am now fully armed to siphon the petrol. I guess you know what happened next - my suck was faster than my reflexes and I finished up with a mouth full of petrol. I am still spitting. However, I got the petrol I needed and headed off to the mower.
To my surprise, the Honda mower fired up on the 5th pull, it smoked a bit and smelled like a fish and chip shop - but it ran healthily. Thus inspired, I decided to have a quick go at mowing the lawns - not that there was much signs of grass - but there was a carpet of dead leaves to suck up. I got some funny looks from passers-by when doing the front lawn - I guess they thought I was some sort of nutter mowing a lawn so clearly devoid of grass. I did remember to put the mower away and lock the shed by the way.
Reflecting on the day it was clear that I had not succeeded in my plans to tidy the garage and shed - but I had enjoyed considerable success in other ways :-
Rescued an old pair of jeans I will probably never wear
Tidied the bottom of my wardrobe ready to mess it up again
Move a redundant tripod to a new hidy-hole
Almost assembled a flat pack bookcase.
Tested the lawn mower and mowed lawns that didn't need mowing
Found lots of old stuff in the loft - and left it there
The light was now fading and I was very tired - so I trooped off to the lounge where I flopped into the settee alongside my wife, telling her that I'm totally exhausted.
She lowered her newspaper and peered over her reading glasses with one of her speciality sarcastic and provocative looks and asked "why - what have YOU done today?"
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----------------------------------------- This post may contain controversial personal opinion, humour, ironic comment or sarcasm. If I have accidentally offended you - please contact me and I will unreservedly apologise. If however it was intentional - it will add to my pleasure.  |
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catgate
V.I.P Member
Posts : 673
Join date : 2016-11-27
Location : Village near Pocklington.
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sat Jan 14, 2017 4:59 pm | |
| ...and I'll bet you never found that screw driver you put on that shelf so you would know where it was when you next needed it. |
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meerkat12
V.I.P Member
Posts : 2409
Join date : 2014-10-05
Location : South east England
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sat Jan 14, 2017 8:12 pm | |
| Phew that took some writing Alan, that's hard work in itself  |
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AlanHo
V.I.P Member
Posts : 8798
Join date : 2016-10-16
Age : 87
Location : Marston Green, Solihull
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sat Jan 14, 2017 8:24 pm | |
| Writing was a doddle compared with inventing it - I know this will come as a shock - but some of that was fiction. ----------------------------------------- This post may contain controversial personal opinion, humour, ironic comment or sarcasm. If I have accidentally offended you - please contact me and I will unreservedly apologise. If however it was intentional - it will add to my pleasure. |
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catgate
V.I.P Member
Posts : 673
Join date : 2016-11-27
Location : Village near Pocklington.
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sat Jan 14, 2017 8:41 pm | |
| Hu! so that screw driver was a red herring? |
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AlanHo
V.I.P Member
Posts : 8798
Join date : 2016-10-16
Age : 87
Location : Marston Green, Solihull
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sat Jan 14, 2017 9:03 pm | |
| In the wrong Plaice ----------------------------------------- This post may contain controversial personal opinion, humour, ironic comment or sarcasm. If I have accidentally offended you - please contact me and I will unreservedly apologise. If however it was intentional - it will add to my pleasure. |
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andsome
V.I.P Member
Posts : 4525
Join date : 2014-09-24
Location : Burntwood in Staffordshie, ENGLAND
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sun Jan 15, 2017 8:23 am | |
| SO, What did you do all day? ----------------------------------------- Gustav Mahler is the finest composer who ever lived.  |
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malcolm
Administrator
Posts : 5329
Join date : 2014-09-23
Age : 79
Location : Coppull, Lancashire
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sun Jan 15, 2017 9:14 am | |
| That was brilliant Alan  Very much like the sort of day I sometimes have with rather less elements to it though, but nonetheless just as exhausting. |
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AlanHo
V.I.P Member
Posts : 8798
Join date : 2016-10-16
Age : 87
Location : Marston Green, Solihull
| | Subject: Re: What Have You Done Today Sun Jan 15, 2017 10:22 am | |
| We all have days like that - and they increase in frequency with age. ----------------------------------------- This post may contain controversial personal opinion, humour, ironic comment or sarcasm. If I have accidentally offended you - please contact me and I will unreservedly apologise. If however it was intentional - it will add to my pleasure. |
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