About this time of the year, some older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel payment ?
A. It is £200 that the government will send to each household of elderly taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers
Q. So the government is giving me back some of my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel payment wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Ireland
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco
* If you spend it on ‘cheap’ cigarettes it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria
* If you give it to Oxfam, 21% will go abroad to corrupt officials with Swiss bank accounts. The other 79% will remain in the hands of the Oxfam administrators, who will either spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand and Mauritius or on luxuries like expensive cars, property and sea cruises.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea .
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India .
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to bankers management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
It’s the patriotic thing to do.
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Gustav Mahler is the finest composer who ever lived.
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