Moments of Clarity

As I sat, strapped in my seat waiting during the countdown, one thought kept crossing my mind: every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
-John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
- David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
- Howard Hughes

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
-Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
-Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
- Harrison Ford

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
- Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
- Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
- W. H. Auden


If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson


I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
- Arthur C Clarke


Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
- Steve Martin


Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
- Jimmy Durante


America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
- Doug Hamwell


The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
- George Roberts


If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
- Jonathan Winters


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- Robert Benchley


The weather person is the only person that I know, that can be wrong 99.9 % of the time and still have a job the next day.
-Johnny Carson