Those Were The Days

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
 
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised, if not shocked, to meet a hunched, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with warts all over his face, three strands of hair on his head and ears a spaniel would envy - a particularly unattractive man less than four foot tall.
 
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
 
"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."
 
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, man never mind that! Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go screw himself!!"