Today's joke

dunno but alan went on his hols and just hasn't been replaced - looks like admin is trying to queer his patch!!

davo wrote:

no cross posting please first posted on 15th sept  by davo under this thread!! come on Malcolm check the site!

Sorry mate !

He's run off to IDF 50 lifeboat.

Ciderman wrote:

He's run off to IDF 50 lifeboat.

I'm a member of IDF and can't say as I have seen him on there Ciderman.

Jewish Wisdom
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f--k--g brick wall!"

Gandalph wrote:

Ciderman wrote:

He's run off to IDF 50 lifeboat.

I'm a member of IDF and can't say as I have seen him on there Ciderman.

That's where he is

I will have to keep an eye out for him Jimmy. Mind you I ain't on there a lot myself.

He cant be missed mate

I know of IDF and the same identical cartoons and funny pictures are posted on there an hour or two before posting on here. Admin here must be a member there then. Not unusual in forum cyberland but it did confuse me at first.
Not to worry as they are very funny.

Gandalph wrote:

Ciderman wrote:

He's run off to IDF 50 lifeboat.

I'm a member of IDF and can't say as I have seen him on there Ciderman.

 
eerhmm - he walks sideways a lot! :cheers:

25/09/17
I went to a petrol station to get fuel as I walked up, I noticed 2 police officers watching some bloke who was smoking while refuelling .. I saw him and thought, Is he really that stupid?

Anyway, I went in and paid and as I was paying, I heard screaming and looked outside... the guy's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy!!

I ran outside and watched the police put him on the floor and were putting the fire out. They then handcuffed him and threw him in the back of the police car.

I thought what an absolute dumb ass.. shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting petrol but didn't deserve being arrested for it.

So being the nosey person I am, I asked the police officers why they were arresting him... the cop looked me dead in my eyes and said "FOR WAVING A FIREARM!!!".


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted.

"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!

I'll give two out of two for those Malcolm. Bit reluctant on the first one but what the hell, it's nearly Christmas. 

Jimmy, bye the bye, Twelve out of Ten for your joke about the jewish guy. 

Glad you like it Gandalph-a really old in.

First time Iv'e heard it Jimmy. Good one That. 

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen, but he didn't report it.

The thief was spending less than his wife.



One evening at a dinner party Winston Churchill angered a matronly woman.

The woman said, "Mr. Churchill if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

Winston Churchill quipped, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it"