Anyone into pig farming?

Minister of  Agriculture

Dear Sir,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for 3000 Euro from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would also like to be involved with not breeding pigs.

What is the best kind of farm to not rear pigs on,  and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs , but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds like Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots or are there already too many people not rearing them.

As I see it, the hardest part will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any government or Local authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with his business. He has been rearing pigs for 40 years or so, and the best he ever made was 1422 pounds in 1968, until this year when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get 3000Euro for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get 6000Euro for not rearing  100pigs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to 4000 pigs not raised, which will mean about 240,000Euro for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my 2^nd year, for which I should expect about 2.4million Euro from your department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive carbon credits for all the those pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gas?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that  you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify  for payments  for not growing  cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall, of course, be voting for your party in the next general election.

Yours faithfully…..